Friday, July 13, 2018

Friday - sharing tough stuff

PLEASE BE AWARE: this could be a triggering read for some, I do discuss feelings and share feelings as I am bereaving.

Good morning all! It is super early (703AM), at least for me on a Friday that is a day off. Normally I would sleep in since I am such a night owl. I have had about 3 hours of sleep, and could not get back to sleep so I got up to try and get my creative juices going. As well as handle an overwhelming  amount of adult responsibilities.

This has by far been an overwhelming month, my husband was laid off 3 weeks ago (he is back to work at a new job now), I took PTO for the July 4th holiday which I never do and was so excited about it and I got bit by a tick and injured my back seriously bad (could be tick related or a pinched nerve yes it still hurts, this was last Monday), and my father passed on Sunday. So pretty much the worse stay cation I have had thus far.

NOW, yes that is overload, but I am doing well, other than the anger I have from the disrespectful and nasty relatives who deflect their own issues onto you to create conflict and guilt. It is hard enough to deal with a death of a person  you love, a parent and not add in if that relationship had forms of toxicity itself. Now I have  moved past that as I have grown as a person. I loved my father, accepted him for who he was and know he loved me, even if sometimes it was unhealthy and manipulative. With all that being sad, it is still so hard when you have individuals who deflect their guilt and anger onto you and you are an empathetic healer who seeps up other energies too easily. And if not well protected, grounded, it is hard to not let them leech onto me, and in a time when you are vulnerable because you have lost a loved one and have an overwhelming amount of sadness, and also knowing that you are now the one who has to take care of everything as the responsible one, is difficult. Add in those who are childish and ignorant, and also have taken advantage of your father, abused them, it is heartbreaking and angering. And it angers me more so that I let myself get to a point where I was angry and responded to some of it. That however is at a end, I will no longer let them try and make me feel guilty when I was stable in my relationship with my father and know the truth of myself. Their issues and how they must move forward are for them to deal with. Now knowing all that and being a mature stable individual is not always enough, but I know that somewhere in all this, there is another lesson for me to learn to make me a better person.

As a wise friend reminded me,  you cannot rationalize with the irrational. And I have to continue to remind myself of this as I move forward. And it will help, but there is is still anger and some fear, as I deal with unstable addicts.

Today, I move forward to make this day a productive creative day where I work on healing, letting go of the anger. As well as more than likely taking a nap I hope!

Please know I have an amazing support system of friends and work family, plus my mother, husband and brother. Just sharing those feelings, that sadly I know too many of us have shared in similar circumstances.